18 November 2020

What a strange and difficult week I have had...

I have experienced a lot of emotions the past couple of days, and had a lot of thoughts to go through; on top of school work and AOII responsibilities. Needless to say, it's been rough.

On a lighter note, I did find out that I got voted in to be the new Vice President of Membership Recruitment for AOII, which I am very excited about. This means that I will have a VERY busy and stressful fall semester. But I think this position will allow me to put my creative talents to good use, and will force me to get out of my comfort zone a little due to the fact that I will now be the face for AOII during recruitment, and have to speak in front of people often.

I have spent so much time with God, and in His Word lately. It's sad to think that I get so caught up with school, friends, AOII, my problems, and other activities that I forget to do that. I have been asking God what He is doing, and why these events are occurring in my life... but who am I to question our creator? So I started asking Him what I am supposed to be doing.

I know all of this stuff with Laramie just seems like drama... but I don't see it that way. I am very proud of him for taking initiative on his life and our relationship. We've actually communicated a lot about this whole thing; what each other is thinking and feeling. We've both come to the conclusion that we don't want to do life without one another. We've talked about wanting to live in God's will: live out what He has planned for each of us. I have been praying that we will do the right thing because figuring out who you want to spend your life with is no light thing.

Laramie explained to me that he felt as though he had made a big mistake... That he in a way, was scared, and just running away. Not that he didn't know that there were things he needed to fix, and work on; but he realized that he could do those things with me. I was apprehensive at first, just because he was so adamant about doing this, and now all of a sudden he wasn't? I didn't want him to make this decision just because he was clouded with emotion. I told him that I wanted him to come back when he was really ready, and did what he felt he needed to do. However just from the way he spoke to me this past week, I could already see a difference in him. I could see a hunger and thirst for the Truth even more so than before, which made me care even deeper for him. After a long and much needed conversation, we've decided to start over.

We both feel that this is right, and that we really have something beautiful. A gift from God. I know that Laramie holds a lot of guilt over this whole situation, and wishes he could have handled it differently, which makes my heart sad. Though it was a hard week, it allowed each of us to grow, and take a step back and analyze our relationship. A lot happened in an incredibly short amount of time, but we have put a lot of thought into everything, and had a lot of hard conversations.

Obviously I am very happy, and feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. However, I have reanalyzed where I am with my walk with Christ and found that I am not spending the time with Him that I should be.

Thats a hard thing to admit to yourself. At least it is for me.

Especially after thinking that I had come so far, and grown so much this past year...

I am going to continue to spend more time with Him and in His word.

I read through a few chapters of 1 Corinthians this week, and this verse really stuck out to me...

1 Corinthians 10:21 "You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons. You cannot be partakers of the Lord's table and of the tables of demons."

And though I don't feel as though I am drinking from the cup of demons or sitting at the tables of demons, I do feel as though I have let school, friends, AOII, etc. in a way become my demons. That I have let these things get in the way of my pursuit of the Father, and isn't that what the enemy does?

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I am forever so thankful for my best friend.

She is truly such a gift to me. She has always supported me in the pursuit of my dreams and goals, always pushing me to try new things. I would not be even half the person I am today if it wasn't for her.

She has listened to me talk about all of this the past week, and has been nothing but a friend and supporter. I had apologized for talking so much and throwing all my "drama" on her, and she responded in the most Jenna way possible... "I will listen to your drama until I find an acorn the size of a medium pony." That was her way of telling me that she loves me and will always be there for me.

When I left for school last year it was hard. Not only did I miss my family, but I missed my best friend. College had always been something we wanted to do together, and now we're living out that dream. Our Kindergarten selves would be so proud of us.

I can only hope that I will continue to be even a fraction of the friend to her, that she is to me.

Love you forever Jen.